Monday, August 09, 2010

Happy Birthday

It is 364 days until I'm 60 years old.  Sam turns 30 in 18 months.  He's been my lodestone for half my life now.  That's a welcome surprise.  I spend so much time trying to keep him alive and fearing he will die that I don't stop to realize that we're doing pretty good!  We've been together for roughly half my life.  I met Charley when I was 15, so I've been with HIM for roughly 75% of my life.  Talk about "significant others"!  It's a very settling thought.  This is it.  These are the men in my life.  We three are a unit.  Home is where they are.

Other than that, I can't think of anything good about my 59th birthday or the fact that 60 comes directly after 59.  I"m feeling kind of depressed.  I've been obsessed about it for a couple of weeks.  I keep telling people that I'm almost 60 and their reactions are reassuring.  They are always shocked.  "I had no idea you were so old!"  That's nice, because I didn't have any idea either!

I've never really bothered with milestones, but for some reason turning 60 is becoming an "issue".  I don't think I'm ready to be old.   I'm suddenly in a hurry.  There's not a lot of time left.

I think it's time to get serious about a few things.  For example: diet and exercise.  I have an amazing body.  No matter how much I abuse it with worry and overeating and a sedentary lifestyle, it has always stayed pretty strong and healthy.  Lately I've noticed some pretty permanent aches and pains and I have gained far too much weight since I got married.  Goal one: get serious about taking care of myself.

Goal two is move to Portland.  I have learned to appreciate Chicago.  I've lived here for more than half my life.  But I'm not sure how that happened any more than I know how I got to be 59.   I still think of myself as a west coaster.  I'd probably be happy to live the rest of my life here except for two things: Portland is better for Sam and Portland is where Ben is.  

Goal three is to remain a significant part of the lives of my grandchildren.  This year we've had two quick visits from my daughter in law and youngest granddaughter and one very long visit from the two older grandchildren.  (And a brief glimpse of Ben).  It's not enough.  We bond very nicely when they are here, but long distance relationships are hard to maintain and children are so busy with what is right in front of them.  Yesterday Tahreq and I performed a song he'd written in front of church.  I was so proud of him!  I want more first hand experiences with them.

In spite of the fact that I've been mentioning my impending birthday for weeks now, it doesn't look like anyone is going to remember that today is the day.  In fact, when we talk about what we are doing today, I keep reminding Charley that I have to get my driver's license renewed today, but he doesn't seem to make the connection.  I wonder what I'm going to do.  I don't particularly want to host my own birthday celebration.  I definitely don't want to cook dinner and make my own cake.  I think I'll just remind them that it's my birthday and insist that we go out to dinner.  I don't really want a fuss, at least not this year.  NEXT year, however...