Porch!

I wanted this to be a record of my precious Sam and his influence on my life. But the last few years have been so difficult that I really didn't have the heart to record anything. 

Now he is slowly dying and I am so afraid of life without him. I have always said that it would be better if he died first because there is no place that would take care of him.  As he declines, that becomes more and more clear.  Even Hospice has concerns about whether or not they can help in our tricky situation!

His death will mean the end of my life as I know it. I spend every minute of my life, waking or sleeping, centered around him. It is my privilege. It is all I really want to do. But he will leave a pretty huge sink hole in my life. 

Death will be the first place he has ever gone on his own, the first place I haven't checked out first to be sure it is safe. Somehow my faith doesn't help with this. I know I should believe he will be somehow better after death, but honestly, I'm not sure. 

But today is not a good day for dying. Today we managed to get out on the porch and neighbors came to visit and play music. Today he managed to communicate very clearly with me and he smiled a lot. Today was a good day.