This week I realized that I still cling not only to Sam's memory, but to my sense of responsibility for his wellbeing. I suppose that makes sense because being responsible for him was close to 100% of my identity - or anyway 100% of my minutes - every day for year's and years. My NAME was Sam's Mom.
But, in fact, clinging to that sense of responsibility is killing me because I no longer have any power to care for him. NONE AT ALL.
And I have not released him to his new life.
It was hard releasing Ben Forsberg. I can still touch him occasionally and I am so proud of him and I adore his wife and kids. Still I had to let him go. I don't know how he is doing each day, I don't have a part in the big decisions of his life. He is my son, we love each other, but he's a grownup.
I didn't have a lot of choice about releasing Ben. He would have left no matter what I did. But I did have a lot of choice about how I let him go. I could have made it a lot harder for him. But I think a mom does what is best for her child and I really want what's best for him. And I don't think staying with me was best. He's better off where he is and I love him enough to know that.
Wow. Same story with Sam! I didn't have a lot of choice about letting him go, I had a lot of choice about how I let him go, I made it as easy for him to leave me as I possibly could. He's better off where he is now, even though I have zero input in his "life" or whatever now.
And I miss both my boys so much I can hardly breathe.
"Do the hard thing that is best for your child" has always been my motto. I haven't always lived up to it or been wise enough to know what course of action is best. Too often I have simply reacted and had to think and apologize later.
This lonely Mother's Day I am thinking of Hannah in the Bible who graciously gave her precious little boy, Samuel, back to God. I'm trying to be gracious, but I just feel old.