Wednesday, April 08, 2015

Future Planning

Today, Oscar Hammerstein says it all.  Confidence?

What will this day be like? I wonder.
What will my future be? I wonder.
It could be so exciting.
To be out in the world, to be free.
My heart should be wildly rejoicing.
Oh what's the matter with me?

I've always longed for adventure, 
to do the things I've never dared.
Now here I am facing adventure, 
Then, WHY am I so scared?

Next week it will be five months.  Obviously, that's a tiny, tiny bit of time compared to the almost 33 years we had together.  I'm still deeply grieving.  I never really thought he would go so soon.  I hoped he would die first, but not until I was around 80!  

I'm NOT around 80.  By dying so much sooner than I ever expected (or wanted), he gave me a lot of time to do just about anything.  

I'm free.

I don't know what to do.

I have taken many time management seminars.  I know the drill.  Make a to do list and prioritize it.  The trouble is I don't have a central Mission Statement to focus and bring order to my priorities.  It was "Keep Sam alive and happy" apparently.  Now that job is accomplished, what is my mission?

I've got lots of "to dos" and lots of goals (to regain health, get a job I enjoy and pays for bills and trips...) but I need a Mission Statement to bring it all into focus.

Grief is a journey of transformation.  I am trying to be mindful and leave plenty of room for my new self to be born.  I am standing on the edge of the next great adventure.  It's hard to plan when you have no idea where you will be heading.

Stay tuned.

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes plans are over hyped. God will direct your doing so even now.
    My mom left me a mission statement. When told her death was near she said she wants me "to be happy and productive". It has truly helped me.
    Perhaps your mission statement is "to be healthy and adventurous". Maybe that is as specific as it needs to be. At least for now.

    I can imagine how lost you feel. Xoxo