Good Parents

We just had our two eldest grandkids with us.  I realize I don't have a lot of parenting experience.  I was Ben's mom and I'm Sam's mom.  That makes two kids.  My two grandkids aren't a bit like Ben OR Sam.  (who is?)  I also spent decades teaching Sunday School for 2 and 3 year olds.  TnT aren't 2 or 3 any more!  They are 10 and 12 and they need a LOT of attention.

They live in Portland, OR and we live in Chicago, IL so although we love each other very much, we don't really know each other very well.  We felt each other out, gingerly.  I asked myself, "What do they need?" and they asked themselves, "What are Baba's rules and how seriously do we have to take them?"  

The answer to my question is limitless and the answer to theirs, apparently, is "not many and not very."  I told them I had only one rule: Respect.  We must respect ourselves, each other, the planet, other people, other people's things etc. etc. etc.  They thought that was pretty cool.  Only one rule!  And immediately began testing to see what that meant.  

What that one rule means, as it turns out, is: constant, non-stop examination and discussion and reflection.   Is it respectful to oneself to allow one's sibling to annoy, tease or insult one?  NO.  Is it a respectful response to that annoyance to slug them until they cry?  Well, probably not.  Let's talk about this.  What would be a more respectful way to ask that person to stop?  Hmm.  Tough question.  Slugging just feels soooo good.  Well, how about if we change roles?  If you are teasing your sibling, how would you like to be asked to stop?  

This requires further conversation into the subject of "respect means actually honoring your sibling's request prior to getting slugged."

Then there's the question of bad language.  What words are appropriate for a pre-teen to use?  And why do we giggle so much when we think someone might possibly be about to use one of the forbidden words?  They arrived on my doorstep with a firmly ingrained list of forbidden words.  I assume these were decided upon at home.  Which adds another question to my list: What are the rules their parents feel strongly about that I should be endorsing, but with which I (as an aging hippie) have no real, personal connection?  So I have the silent, invisible presence of my son and his wife.  I'm trying to translate their rules into something understandable from the comments of my two astonishingly young grandchildren.  There's not a lot of mature understanding of WHY the rules are what they are and I suspect some of the rules are made up on the spot for the convenience of one or the other sibling.  I'm pretty sure, "We get to spend any money we find on the floor at the corner store" is not a rule in a household where they are very particular about what goes into their children's mouths.

Still, by the end of their stay, we were making some real headway into understanding each other's boundaries.  Our conversations were getting shorter, I had only to shout, "Respect" several thousand times a day and seemed to be getting shocked and thoughtful faces and better behavior.  We had discovered our own acceptable swear words and there was a lot less giggling. These included, for example, "What the Cermak do you think you are doing?" and (for some reason) "Oh Howie Mandel, I stubbed my toe."  And we had established that money on the floor almost certainly fell out of GC's pocket and should be returned to him.  (Grandpa Charley)  However, money can be earned by performing various chores and ONE trip to the corner store a day is acceptable since a modicum of junk food is almost required when visiting grandparents and there's nothing in the house but salad and stuff. (Oh groan, Baba's food is BORING!)

What I never did seem to make headway on was a clear definition of truth. Truth for them is a very soft subject.  Their truth may be defined as "The story that is going to get me in the least amount of trouble."  They did learn to ask first.  My mantra was "If you ask, I'll probably say yes.  If you don't, I most certainly will say no."  They had trouble believing that no means no, but I think they were sort of getting that as well by the end.

  

I adjusted, they adjusted.  I think we are approaching mutual respect and understanding - which is a very nice addition to love!

Good parenting requires that you pay enough attention to your kids to know what kind of parent they need you to be today.  This is the reason why there are at least 365 different theories on parenting - they are each right about once a year.  It also explains why there are no perfect parents - no one can surf that shifting wave perfectly every time.

I don't know how you do it

I went to the 40th birthday party of a good friend last Saturday.  I had so much fun!  She is the single mom of a very delightful fourth grader.  I always enjoy these two because they obviously have so much fun together.  

There were two conversations I particularly enjoyed.  One was with  a single mom of two active boys and the other was with a step-mom who is writing a book about her experiences navigating the very tricky waters of negotiating child care issues with the ex and her new spouse.  I was delighted by the skill and wisdom of both these courageous women.

I had a great conversation yesterday with my wonderful DIL (Ben's wife) about the shock of having a 3 year old.  ("Even if you say Puleeeze, no still means no.")  She mentioned how much she loves Ben because he gives his time so generously and patiently to their three challenging kids.  I remember the struggle of raising Ben.  He was never aware that he had changed in any way.  In his opinion, he was always exactly the same person he had always been, but annoyed by my failure to "get" him.  Meanwhile, I had to scramble to adjust at least annually to this completely new person living in my house with new requirements and challenges for his faint but following mom.  

My brother Bil and his wife also have three kids.  The last time I visited, I was amazed at the skill with which she juggles, every day, the very different interests and needs of these three individuals.  When I talk to Bil, he talks about the stage of development and the needs of each kid in a careful, thoughtful way that shows he is aware of how fast they change and how carefully a good Dad has to pay attention.

I stay home all the time with my adorable Peter Pan who never changes, never grows up and has such a fragile hold on life.  We know way too much about medicines and hospitals.  We also know all the toys at Target and Toys R Us from infant to about 3 years old because in the last 29 years, we have purchased ALL of them.  Some of them twice.  Whenever I manage to get out I get such lovely compliments, "You are amazing.  I don't know how you do it."  Well, right back at you, folks.

I know that every one of these superheros has bad days and days when they doubt their ability to cope with the challenges life has presented them.  But they are doing absolutely amazing jobs juggling careers, relationships and the ever changing challenges of child-rearing.  I don't know how they do it.  I really don't.  They are each so incredible.


So hats off to Sue and Emily; to Sara and her family; to the brilliant woman whose name I forgot with the two boys; to Ben, Cher, Tasha, Tahreq and Zora; to Bil, Lisa, Jack, Faith and Will and to everyone else out there who cares about raising children to be responsible adults.


Actually, I do know how we do it.  We get out of bed every morning and try again because we love them.  Great job!

Happy New Year

Happy 2011.  This is the year that I turn 60 and I have three grandchildren.  I think that endows me with certain inalienable rights among which are the right to rebel against certain absurdities.  Why we do things is sometimes more important than what we do.

For example, there was this young priest who took over his first parish in northern Minnesota - or maybe it was Saskatchewan.  After he celebrated his first Christmas Eve Midnight Vigil, he noticed a certain growing resentment on the part of his rural parishioners.  So he went to his deacon and asked him what the trouble was.  

"Well frankly, Father, many of us are having trouble getting used to your new ways.  We aren't used to these shorter rites."  The priest asked him to explain further and the deacon explained, "Well, many of us missed the way the old priest used to bless the church at midnight during the Christmas Eve Vigil." 

Bless the church?  The young priest had never heard of this, so he went to to see the old priest in the retirement community which was now his home.  After an hour or so of discussing various parishioners, their children and cattle, the old priest asked, "And how are you settling in, young man?"  This was the opening he had been waiting for and the young priest asked for an explanation of the rite of blessing the church during the Christmas Eve Vigil.

After staring at him blankly a few moments, a smile dawned on the wrinkled old face.  "That old church is so cold and drafty!" He explained.  "Even in mid-summer I got cold.  But Christmas Vigil was the worst!  So before I began to celebrate Eucharist, I used to go over to the radiator and warm my hands!"

Or there were three generations of women who passed on family traditions faithfully.  As each one got older, her daughter would take over the task of preparing the Christmas Dinner for the extended family.  Each mother carefully taught her daughter all the family secret recipes.  As the youngest daughter was being inducted into the mysteries, she was told, among other things, that it was important to cut off the end of the Christmas Ham before putting it in the oven.  "Why?" she asked, bringing the proceedings to a screeching halt.

"Because you'll ruin it if you don't." Said her mother.  "Isn't that right, mom?"  


"I don't know," replied the grandmother, "That's just the way it's done."


"But why?" asked the rebellious daughter.  "Let's go ask Great-grandmother."  So they went out into the living room where Great-grandmother sat in state, knitting, of course, and asked her why it was so important to cut off the end of the Christmas ham.

"Because" she told them, "my old wood burning stove was so small the whole ham didn't fit in."

So back to being almost 60.  I'm old enough to start asking why and stop worrying about the "Right way."  Well, maybe I've always been a little that way, but I'm going to be a lot MORE that way from now on.  

Beginning with knitting.  Why do we pull from the center?  It's a neat little magic trick that goes wrong about as often as it goes right.  But why do we do it? I just spent 40 minutes trying to find an end that didn't come out of the center smoothly.  I'm done.  The only reasonable reason I can think of for pulling from the center is if I'm knitting with a double strand and only have one ball.  Otherwise, I'm knitting from the outside from now on.  


If I want magic, I'll buy a Fushigi.


 

Adventures in Gauge

Well, I don't particularly like knitting swatches. I'm always afraid it will use up precious yarn and I'll be a cuff short on the sweater. I also buy an extra skein of whatever I'm knitting - so I have quite a stash of single skeins. It is perhaps fortunate that I like knitting toys and that I have so many children in my life.

HOWEVER. I recently completed a sweater for my granddaughter, Zora. I used the recommended needles and, for the first time in my life, the recommended yarn. I knit a tiny token swatch and discovered my knitting was a couple of stitches bigger than the gauge. A couple of stitches! She's a toddler! Who cares? I figured, at the rate I knit, it was better to go a little large.
It is a wonderful pattern and fun to knit. So I finished in record time and have one and one half skeins left over. I think she'll be wearing this when she's all grown up and 9 months pregnant!

I'm knitting a matching tiny gansey with the left over yarn and I have completed an amigurumi and a microtine rodent since. (known to lay people as a rat) When you knit toys gauge doesn't matter and you finish quickly. With a couple of quick successes under my belt, now I'm ready to start knitting a sweater for her cousin. Tahreq is 8 and isn't growing as fast as Zora. So I thought I'd check my gauge. The pattern calls for a size 3 yarn. I'm in love with Knit Picks Shine Sport yarn which is a 2. The pattern calls for size 7 needles and a gauge of 26 stitches to 4 inches. I'm on swatch number 4 and have moved all the way down to a size 3. I think this one will do it. At size four I was doing 27 stitches. I figure if I had actually purchased a size 3 yarn and used size 7 needles, I would have made a Paul Bunyan sweater. This tedious swatch thing is kind of important.