Pneumonia

Waking in a strange place, groggy from too little sleep, I can't remember where I put my glasses.  So bleary, groggy and frustrated, I begin to pat around; hoping I can find them with my hands rather than my feet.  Disoriented, I am not sure where I am, but I know where Sam is.  I don't need to see to find his beloved head and check that he is breathing and the tube is still in his nose.

He is okay.  The world shifts into place.  I remember that I carefully placed my glasses under the couch so I wouldn't step on them.  Now I can see well enough to attach the monitor to his finger and check his heart rate and oxygen level.  Yeah.  He's okay.

I slept on a mat on the floor by the couch.  Sam's sleeping on the couch, the oxygen tube still in his nose.  I'm in my own living room.  I remember Charley carefully not stepping on me as he went to work.

Time for tea and then I'll start his nebulizer treatments again.  I have to give the first one before he wakes up in order to get enough in each day.  He's not eating, I have to try to get him to eat something before 2.  He takes his next pill at 4 and he can't have any milk products between 2 and 6.  I never realized how large a percentage of the things he will eat are milk based - even Ensure!

Got a fabulous new cookbook called "I Can't Chew." It's full of nutrition advice and recipes for people with chewing and swallowing problems.  But I'm too tired to read it.  I'm too afraid I'll lose Sam before I have a chance to try all the recipes.  I look at the cover and go back to the trashy novel.  Or knit.  I thank God for yarn and trashy novels and tea when Sam is sick.

Two nights ago, I was sure he was sick enough to be admitted.  But, since I've been through this so often, I knew it was better to wait for the doctor's office to open than to call or visit the ER in the middle of the night.  You wait in the comfort of your own home instead of in a cold, hard waiting room chair.  But I couldn't sleep because I was so worried.  So I started packing my overnight bag.  At 8:45 I called the office, at 10 the doctor called me back.  After listening to my experienced, coherent report, she said, "Well, it sounds like you have everything under control.  I'll call in a prescription and, if he doesn't turn around in a few days, you should bring him in."

Under control?  I wouldn't describe it that way.  But it's a new day.  I found my glasses without the aid of my sight.  The tube which feeds air into Sam's lungs didn't get wrapped around his neck and strangle him in the night.  I don't have to think about what to wear, I'll just grab something from the overnight bag still sitting on the chair.  Himmat taught me how to make good strong Indian Chai recently.  On the whole, it's going to be a good day.

Oh Darn

Sam has aspiration pneumonia again and worse than it's been for several years.  I've got him on oxygen most of the time and he's taking antibiotics.  The doctor said to wait 48 hours and if he didn't turn around, I'd have to admit him for IV antibiotics.  The 48 hours is almost up and I think he's improved - slightly.  I really want to make the right decision here.  Going to the hospital might be an important step to saving his life.  We don't want to increase the already extensive scarring of his lungs.  There are so many parts of his lungs that no longer work.

On the other hand, we both hate going to the hospital.  He can't move because of the iv in his arm and I have to sleep on a very cold, hard window seat!  A smaller consideration is the fact that the State of Illinois will not pay me for the days he is in hospital because they think of it as time I don't work.  Hah!  This is a small consideration because they only pay me for 4 hours a day anyway!

It's Lent.  You would think this would give me time to reflect and be mindful of my life.  But frankly, I'm too sleepy.  MY body has never really accepted Sam's habit of sleeping from 4 am to 11 am.  I still like to sleep from about 10 pm to 6 am.  So when he's sick I only get a couple of hours sleep.  Then we both nap in the afternoon on the couch.  But the rest of the day I'm giving him medicine and wandering around the house like a zombie and groggily trying to think of all the things that need doing.

Oh and watching tsunami videos.

I heard from my friends in Japan and they are okay but in shock.  They are still experiencing several after shocks daily.  Tsunami and nuclear explosions are the terror at the core of every Japanese soul and they are suddenly facing both at once.  My heart weeps for them. 

Want to do something?  You can donate to people who seem to be doing a good job with the relief efforts:
American Red Cross
Salvation Army
Crash Japan